So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
