I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
