my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
