I think I died a long time ago.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
