he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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