If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
