If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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