You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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