im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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