I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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