i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think I sprained my soul last night
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
