I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
