i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
