i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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