i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize