I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
