I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
