I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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