True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
