Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
