pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
