if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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