thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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