You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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