omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
