You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize