it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
