i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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