The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
