he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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