Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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