I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
