Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My ATM looks so different sober.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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