I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
