There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize