And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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