And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
