i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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