I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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