Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
