I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
