I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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