Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize