I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize