Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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