I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
