the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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