At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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