I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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