I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
