last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
