i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she peed on how many people?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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