Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
