Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
