I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
