My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
