Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
