According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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