i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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