Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
